you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
