I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
