First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
