He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
