I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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