I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
They are going to name an STD after you.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
