I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
