im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
