I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
