Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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