My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
