He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
