I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize