oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
