i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Mom said you looked used
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
