I need to stop coming to work sober
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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