i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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