he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
