hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
