I cannot find my penis.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
pop tarts are not kleenex
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
