dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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