At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
