I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
