Your face is a jimmy john
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
