brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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