just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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