Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
