would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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