Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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