I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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