Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
