it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Dicks are not precious.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
