i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
