i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
