I cannot find my penis.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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