I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
