I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
