a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
