So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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