Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
