Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
