Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We don't watch enough power rangers
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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