i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize