when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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