Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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