Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
