I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
