i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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