Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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