i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
