Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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