She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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