it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
