3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
