i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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