I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
