I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
