im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
