You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
