I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
